Josh is super excited for the mail today! Mike is nervous that all of the envelopes are thin, like rejection letters from college. Sure enough, they’re rejections from applications Josh sent out for girlfriends. Some are not available for a boyfriend this year, some are not accepting men at all…but the last letter is an acceptance from Rachel! Mike hasn’t heard of any Rachel (who hasn’t heard of a Rachel?) and Josh flies out the door to meet her.
Rachel’s favorite food is soft boiled eggs and Josh thinks he’s in love even though that’s weird and so brings her to meet his mom on her late night talk show, “Late Night with Mom.” She brings Josh and Rachel on stage and they’re really awkward. As they move through standard new relationship information (how long they have been together, what she does for a living), Mom continues to make unfunny late night talk show-like jokes, making this interview really excruciating. As Mom goes to commercial Rachel tries to salvage the interview by asking for Mom’s famous German potato salad recipe for the dinner party she’s planning. And just like that Mom is in love with Rachel, too.
Josh and Rachel take this to mean that they’re perfect for each other and Rachel serves up soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. Josh, in true Josh fashion, is grossed out but unwilling to admit it because he needs a girlfriend to live. At the dinner party, Josh and Rachel practice being cute hosts together and Mike shows up ready to party. He’s chugging wine, talking about bestiality videos, and totally freaked out by the branzino Rachel serves for dinner.
Mike: Get that thing away from me, dude! What the shit kinda bullshit shit is that, bro?
Mike: Oh man, that thing’s gonna come to life and chew my nuts off in my sleep! It’s like a Steven King movie up in here, bro!
Mike picks up the branzino, handling everyone’s dinner with his forever unclean hands, so Josh stashes him in the bedroom like a puppy who always misbehaves around guests. After everyone’s gone, they find Mike naked and baked on the bedroom floor.
Rachel: Josh, what are we going to do about him? It’s just getting to be so much work. Looking after him, cleaning up his messes…
So Mike is like Josh’s dog now? Complete with unwanted humping and poop on the bed? Okay, sure. Josh and Rachel decide that Mike doesn’t really fit into their lifestyle anymore and bring him to Chill Acres Bro Shelter, a kennel for wayward dudebro pets. As Josh signs Mike in, he is informed that although Mike will get his fill of Call of Duty and Doritos, if the shelter is unable to find a friend for Mike in 30 days he’ll be put down. Mike is 27 and the likelihood of finding a match is slim. Josh is horrified to find out that Mike might be euthanized via 12-pack of crap beer and a sodium thiopental. Noticing that Mike’s hangovers are more intense these days and he can’t really dance well anymore, however, Josh agrees that Mike’s quality of life isn’t what it used to be and heads out. As he leaves, he witnesses Mike’s fate and suddenly wants his Bro back.
As it turns out, this shelter is just an excuse to exterminate all bros! So Josh steals some keys, releases Mike and the rest of the bros, and takes them to a place where bros can run free: a strip club. At lunch with his sister, Liz, Josh and Rachel announce that since her lease is up at the end of the month, why not get surgically conjoined?
Liz: Doesn’t that seem a little too soon, maybe, to be taking that step? Leo and I have been together four years and we still have separate bodies.
Josh and Rachel are undeterred because Soul Mates. Then we get a montage of all the good times with him attached to her right side and her to his left: walks in the park, making breakfast, playing ping pong, brushing each other’s teeth, and playing piano. Then the montage turns dark: they sit through Rachel’s book club, Josh plays video games while Rachel tries to read, and they awkwardly try to share the toilet. In bed, Josh is a slow reader and Rachel wants to get some action but it’s awkward because…well, they’re conjoined. The logistics are all wrong. Now Josh and Rachel blame each other for the decline of the relationship and decide it’s probably best for them to tear their perforated seam and separate.
Back at the strip club, Josh realizes he and Rachel weren’t Soul Mates after all and has some beers with Mike – as his entire left side oozes blood and fluid from being ripped open.
The Question: Who’s reporting Chill Acres to the state for Bro cruelty?