As Mike accompanies Josh through a frozen tundra to meet the last woman on Earth that Josh hasn’t tried to date, they approach Unkluk’tu. She is a tundra native and doesn’t quite understand boxes of chocolates…or English. But she does love music, which makes her dateable to Josh. Unfortunately, she thinks he’s very nice but just wants to remain friends.
Back at his apartment, Josh is sulking while Mike plays video games and suddenly get a phone call from Maggie. She wants to meet up and he thinks they’re getting back together, of course. They meet for lunch and she announces that she and Graham – the boyfriend we met during the destination wedding – are getting married and Josh is shot through the heart. He tries to make small talk about the wedding but his heart falls out, sprays blood all over Maggie, and a waiter comes by to ask if he needs an ambulance. The EMTs arrive and take Josh out of the restaurant on a stretcher while the rest of the patrons record and stare at him, and we discover that Maggie plans to be wholly original by using Oasis’ “Wonderwall” for the first dance at her wedding.
While he and Mike visit a convenience store, Josh comes to the conclusion that if he hadn’t given Maggie carnations they wouldn’t have had that argument and might still be together (seems like solid logic). Mike is preoccupied with boner pills, drawing Josh’s attention to some cheap-y 2-minute Time Travel pills for $2.50. The clerk warns Josh that use may cause irreparable damage to the space-time continuum. Josh takes the pill and goes back in time.
He goes back in time and accosts his past self. He runs up to himself, screaming about not buying those ill-advised carnations while Past!Josh can only scream in terror (how would you react if you ran up to yourself?!). With a final warning against the carnations, Present!Josh is whisked back to the present in the convenience store. Mike has taken the boner pills and has a huge one…but also liver problems. Maggie walks up to Josh and tells Mike that he shouldn’t have taken them like she said. Josh is stunned; his plan worked! He and Maggie are still together and still in love.
Immediately they go home to have sex because he needs to make up for lost time. Post-nooky, Josh suggests dinner before realizing he doesn’t have enough money to treat Maggie to sushi like he promised. She’s not enthused about his falafel place/dry cleaners alternative, so he takes another 2-minute Time Travel pill and visits himself as a stoner college student hanging out with Mike. Naked Present!Josh appears in Older Past!Josh’s dorm room and screams at him in the moment he decided to be a philosophy major.
Present!Josh: Don’t major in philosophy! Major in economics! You’ll be so much better off, I promise!
Back in the present, Josh and Maggie have a sushi dinner and he has gobs of money in his wallet. Maggie seems happy and admires some guys’ beards, so naturally Josh goes back in time to tell Child!Josh to go against the grain (ha, see what I did there?) and grow distinctive facial hair instead of shaving every day. In the present once more, Josh is at the altar looking like a clean cut Guy Fawkes and marries Maggie.
Josh is excited because his life is finally perfect and he didn’t even screw up the space-time continuum. Except for the hover crafts and general oppression being offered by some group called Trackanon, which plans to kill all. Josh visits the convenience store where he bought the time travel pills and gushes to the clerk about how perfect his life is now, only the clerk has a Kano-style metal plate on the upper right side of his face now. :(
Outside, Trackanon has turned the world into a police state, but Josh and Maggie are leading a happy, well-furnished life. Except his new personality doesn’t like video game magazines anymore, and his favorite show is Meet the Press. Alarmed, Josh goes to visit Mike who is lubing up from head to toe: he’s now working as a sex slave for Trackanon and needs help limbering up. He goes to see his sister Liz who has become a militant leader in her office building. She thought he and Maggie were loyal to Trackanon, and Josh begins a bit of self-reflection.
Josh: I am in golf clubs, are you serious? Wh-what is this? I look like d’Artangnan, I love Meet the Press? Have I really changed that much?
Liz: No, you still have your distinctive, Josh facial hair. Hey, listen, the important thing is you’re happy.
Except Josh is realizing that he isn’t happy and goes home to tell Maggie. She’s upset that he’s now telling her that he’s not being himself and he thinks he can fix it by taking another 2-minute Time Travel pill…only he’s run out. He realizes that he needs to get divorced but they can’t.
Maggie: We can’t get divorced, you idiot! Trackanon is Catholic! We’re married for the rest of your life! Hail Trackanon.
Josh visits Mike to try to meet the head honchos in Trackanon by becoming a sex slave. Mike brings him to a one-eyed creature with lots of folds who is Trackanon. Trackanon wants Mike and Josh to do sexy dances and then pleasure him, but as he approaches, Josh steals his scepter, tells Trackanon that he shouldn’t even exist there, and stabs him in the eye (to Mike’s utter dismay).
Outside, the revolution against Trackanon has spilled into the streets and everyone – including Josh’s parents – know he is the one who killed Trackanon. Josh shaves his beard and goes with Maggie to get a divorce right away and she says he ruined her life. To make up for it, he takes her to meet Graham, the guy she was meant to marry and realizes that he’s finally, actually, over Maggie. But Mike isn’t ready to date just yet; he’s just gotten out of a thing and it’s still a little raw. (Zing!)
The Question: Has season 2 been greenlit yet?