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‘Once Upon a Time’ Recap: The Bear King

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November 18, 2015 Comments Views: 898 Movies & Television, Uncategorized

‘Once Upon a Time’ Recap: Birth

After what seemed like an eternity of a summer without Once Upon a Time, the first half of Season 5 has blown by! And while I haven’t been this season’s biggest fan, I still remain committed to seeing my friends in Storybrooke through, no matter how ridiculous their adventures may be.

We had a double episode this week, so let’s just get right to it! Here are some things we learned in the first episode, “Birth.” A recap of the second episode of the evening, “BAERS!” “The Bear King” can be found here. (No, seriously, every other word in that episode was “bear.”)

Things we learned in this week’s episode:

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David gets one “Give no effs” moment this whole season and this is it.

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Have you ever been so mad you flipped a ping pong table?

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Hook and Hood are terrible at covering the exits.

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Emma saves Hook and they have awkward “I still love you” moment.

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Hook demands answer about why Emma needs Excalibur.

And Emma and she tells him it’s all for him. 

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Cue the creepy title card with the Dark One rising.

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Behold! The contact lens of Sauron!

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Emma, Henry, and Granny share a moment of good news about completing her quest, but are interrupted by Merlin. Minus 1 for cliche timing.

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Merlin is under orders to get the Flame of Prometheus from Emma in exchange for Emma’s family members’ lives.

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Despite threatening Arthur, nothing worthwhile is learned.

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Regina thinks Emma will wipe out Light magic, and Mary Margaret thinks there may not be any of Emma left to get back.

Hook comes to Gold’s for advice, and Belle is on point.

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If this show ends with a boy with autism staring into this thing, I am writing an angry note.

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“Uh… This? This is…. a promotional item.” *achem*

Hook learns Emma has stolen some squid ink.

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“Probably should have locked this.”

Gold says Emma has the face of regret.

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Hook leaves holding the same snow globe Gold was contemplating, but we never find out why.

Emma is told that she can’t light Prometheus until she’s ready to give up the Darkness.

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Something, something, lesson about irony.

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“Wow… Hook has really girly handwriting.”

Henry gives Emma some motivation to give up the Darkness by channeling a fanfic I wrote about how he and Hook have been conspiring to buy Emma a house.

Motivated by the promise of real estate, Emma confronts Arthur and Merlin in the forest where her parents, Hook, and Regina are being held hostage.

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“How many times have I been tied to this exact same tree in the last five years? *pft* I bet someone on the internet knows.”

Zelena seems stupidly susceptible to Emma’s party tricks.

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When you show up at the club late and that one friend is already turnt.

Emma ties Zelena to a tree, then gets into it with Merlin.

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If Cedric Diggory shows up, I will quit watching this show.

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Regina looks so proud of her young padawan learner.

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When in doubt, Disney, always take out the mom.

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“This better be important. You interrupted our all-night Skyrim session.”

Back in Storybrooke, Zelena has massive gas labor pains, and Regina and Robin arrive to find Zelena pulling a Bella Cullen.

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“You look like that goo that won’t melt in the bottom of a lava lamp!”

Out in the middle of town, Hook throws himself from the highest parapet to force Emma to appear, then forgives her for whatever she’s trying to atone for.

He tells Emma his life history via his trophy-rings-turned-reminders of people he’s killed. He declares his undying-until-the-next-betrayal love for her.

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“This used to be my pimp hand, but it was more effective to use the other one.”

Emma brings Killin back to her house for some Netflix and Chill  Youtube and spooning  Call of Duty and Chestbumps  revelations and poison lipstick.

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“mmmmm tastes like eeeevillll.”

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Don’t trust Dark Ones who bring you onion rings.

Dr. Whale is going through a mid wife life crisis.

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“We’re not mandated to wear gloves, but I hate washing my hands.”

Belle and Mary Margaret bust into Zelena’s room to warn Regina that Emma needs the cries of a newborn to complete her spell.

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SUDDENLY HAMFISTED PLOT DEVICE!

Back in Camelot, Merlin feels really awkward about trying to kill everyone.

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*Three Stooges noises*

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How did it take him 2 hours to figure this out?

Hook manages to slip out of his shackles

And then Hook slap Arthur so hard he got blurry for a minute.

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*pah-kow!*

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And apparently Arthur can physically untie the magical bonds Emma used.

Everyone returns to Granny’s and Emma tries to get the Prometheus flame to spark. Regina tries to get Emma to let her guard down by gently and lovingly using the Dagger to force her to confront her fears.

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Regina is Emma’s AA sponsor. She takes it really seriously.

Mary Margaret’s enduring optimism has no chill.

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“This is why we don’t invite you to more interventions.”

In Storybrooke, Zelena’s baby is coming, ready or not.

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“Wait… THAT’S where babies come from? I thought they came from baskets on the side of the road!”

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Regina: I don’t know if I can handle another baby in my life. I mean, having it with you all the time, never having a moment to yourself, always holding it, never letting it out of your sight… Mary Margaret: Yeah, about that…

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“There are more swords drawn in delivery rooms in Storybrooke than in any other hospital in Maine.” – Actually printed on the hospital brochure

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Dr. Whale is obviously a cyborg because he’s never broken his spine in 5 years.

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The old “wake up shackled in your crazy girlfriend’s basement” routine.

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Apparently she didn’t want the baby!

Shoving all the dark magic into Zelena and then cutting her down with Excalibur is the simplest way the Dark One can think of to fix what’s wrong.

In yet ANOTHER flashback…

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Emma admits she’s only capable of expressing her love to people when she knows they’re about to die, and thus she doesn’t have to commit to them for any longer than their final scene.

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#symbolism

Outside of Emma’s house, a discussion Regina and Mary Margaret should have had weeks ago is happening.

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“I’mma kill my BFF.”

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“You have literally one friend! You can’t kill her!”

Not having many options, Hook agrees to remove Zelena’s power-sucking bracelet so they can magic themselves out of Fort Nutzy-Kookoo.

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“I’m so sweaty under here! It smells funny!”

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Because heart-ripping-out magic is totally the same as bracelet-removing magic.

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“These hips don’t lie. I am certifiable.”

Zelena and Hook escape the basement, but Hook stays behind to search for the squid ink to use against Emma to make her tell him the truth about her plan.

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Why does the Dark One have bills?

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This painting was just covering another painting of the same painting.

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That old gag.

Hook splashes Emma with the squid ink and begs her to tell him what she’s up to. But before they get anywhere, Zelena comes in and —

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STABBY STAB!

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Hook is somehow faster than the Dark One, but not faster than Zelena stabbing him.

Zelena asks a not-dead Hook if he’d like to see what Emma’s been hiding all this time.

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Emma leaves her most important memory laying around in the yard.

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Dream catchers have fast forward.

Back in Camelot, Emma is set to reunite Excalibur and the Dagger.

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But when she does, Hook keels over.

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Merlin doesn’t bother to tell Emma the wound Killian received by Excalibur earlier will kill him once Excalibur is made whole. Because… Why would that even happen?

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But apparently she can reunite the blades to also save him?

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“Please don’t die! You’re the only one who knows where I left my keys back in Storybrooke!”

So she magics him out of the diner to do the dirty work.

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Or, according to this picture, a giant tarantula breaks out of the back of Emma’s head.

Out in a field of Meadow Mist(™) Roses, Killian sports a dollar store Halloween make up kit gash on the side of his neck. Hook begs Emma to let him die rather let the Darkness save him.

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Replace “darkness” with “heroin” and this is basically Jesse and Jane from ‘Breaking Bad.’

Emma does not listen.

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Mr. and Mrs. Dark One, your table is ready.

u8xav

This week on “Damn You, Irony!!”

At least Arthur is ok.

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Lady Gaga ain’t got nuthin’ on me! *snap*

So… there are two Dark Ones?

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DOCTORDONNA!

How do you not know the Darkness is in you? Even if you lose your memory, how do you not feel it?

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Disney needs to market a “Dark One Robe.” I would wear one every time I needed an ego boost. …So, like…. Always.

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Props is over budget this season. Turns out that Things Remembered charges per name.

PHEW! What a ride! I didn’t understand half of it, and I took notes! But there you have it, the big reveal about what Emma’s motives have been.

I’m sick of hearing my own voice, so now it’s your turn. Tell us in the comments what you thought of the show.

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