Welcome to a very special recap of Once Upon a Time! This week we’re going to try something a little different, and we hope you like it.
Regina’s carriage pulls up to an “unauthorized” wedding party on her meadow.
At Daniel’s grave, Regina encounters Cora.
Robin and Regina share a drink in a bar in New York.
I’d like to know how they extricated themselves from the apartment after Zelena dropped that bomb on everyone last week. What do you even say? “Okay, well, you killed my wife and now your preggers. I need a drink and I’m taking my old girlfriend, and when we get back, we are having a long conversation about consent, missy!”
Regina suggests using a forgetting potion on Roland to keep him from the trauma of dealing of losing his mother a second time, and Robin agrees. Yeah, I can’t see this coming back to bite them in the butt in any way. Regina apologizes because she realizes that Zelena’s batty plan was all about ensuring Regina never got her happy ending. But Robin suggests maybe he and Regina could still have a chance.
Robin affirms Regina’s frustration, but asks what they should do now.
Back in namesake Neal’s old apartment, Emma and Lily have a conversation about Neal while Zelena just… hangs out being kinda unemployed.
Please click on the above image and zoom in on Zelena, because wow.
Emma walks over to punch Zelena’s jerk face, probably, but the Witch pretends to feel the baby kick, which is totally bull because it’s only been about 18 minutes since she and Robin last tangoed in Paris.
Side note, I kinda wish Emma had turned evil because I would have been okay with her punching an expectant mother in the ear, Fight Club style.
Regina and Robin enter and just take charge, saying they’re all going back to Storybrooke, even Zelena. Someone please tell me how they are planning on fitting five adults and a small child in Emma’s Bug?
Back in beautiful Storybrooke, Mr. Gold is having breakfast with the Author, Isaac, who bemoans a bagel’s mere existence. He’s really picky for a guy who came from a land where squirrel was a regular entree.
Killian enters and butt-shoves Isaac over in his seat.
Killian mocks Gold for being toothless now that any evil doings will char his already weakened heart. He taunts him further by letting him know Emma is on her way home and is still not evil. He then proceeds to tempt fate like a fool poking a bear with a honey-covered stick as he rubs the likelihood of his own happy ending in Gold’s face. Smug as ever, he smirks his way out the door while Isaac brings up the touchy subject of Gold’s ever-failing heart. He reminds Gold they need Emma’s dark blood for the magic ink to be of any use to them. “No dark Savior, no ink,” Isaac says, which I think is a line from Harry Potter and the Missing School Supplies? Gold says there’s always a loophole, and, as he stumbles upon standing to walk, wooshes himself and Isaac away in a cloud of purple smoke.
The yellow Bug, trailed by a swank mini van, pulls into town. Regina, Robin, and Roland have smartly ridden without Zelena’s company. How Emma managed to deal with the Witch in her backseat for seven hours is beyond me.
Mary Margaret, David, Henry and Killian rush to meet Emma while Maleficent, though eager to meet Lily, hangs back.
Emma hugs Henry, then shares an extra long “I’m so glad you’re not evil” embrace with Killian.
Emma hella snubs Mary Margaret’s attempts at a hug, and it’s painful enough that I didn’t screencap it, because ouch.
As Lily exists the car, Emma steers her away from Mary Margaret and David and over to Mal. As Emma introduces them, Mal starts to tear up.
Back in the Enchanted Forest at Daniel’s grave, Regina confronts her mother. Cora says she escaped her Looking Glass prison by “borrowing a rabbit,” which might also implying skinning and cooking it, to be honest. Cora says she’s back to help Regina find love, which makes Regina snap a little inside.
Cora tells Regina she met Tinkerbell in her travels, and Tink told her of Regina’s fated love. She claims she wants to help Regina find this man as her daughter was not suited for a loveless marriage like she was. Regina, who could have picked fifty-eleven better, more clever things to say, replies “I’ll believe it when I see it.” What is it with everyone on this show tempting fate today?
Back in Storybrooke we return to a place we haven’t been to in ages: the psych ward of the hospital, overseen by “the Stern Nurse,” as some call her.
Regina escorts Zelena down to a padded cell and fills in a huge plot hole along the way. She assures her half-sister that her magic will be kept in check by the cuff she’s wearing, the same cuff, I’m assuming, that Pan created and used on Rumple last season. Unfortunately no one bothers to explain how anyone got it ON Zelena, but that’s a rant we’ll save for the off-season.
This perfect temporary home also boasts an OB upstairs, Regina informs. Though, I thought Dr. Whale was a surgeon, but what the heck ever, right? Zelena is all kinds of confident and Regina dares her to tell her why that’s so. Zelena says that even after she has the baby, Regina will never lay a hand on her because she doesn’t want to be known as the one who killed Robin’s child’s mother
’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate. But without breaking her smile, Regina says Zelena’s underestimated her.
Regina seals the door with probably anything except blood magic. Not gonna make that mistake four times.
In the pawn shop, Gold instructs Isaac to gather certain books for him, then goes into the back room to very nearly die.
He pulls out his heart, as one does, and sees that it has the weakest flicker of red buried deep inside the blackness.
After hearing the doorbell tinkle, Gold stumbles out to meet a concerned, but not that concerned, Regina, who has come for the Author. Procuring him was her plan after all and she intends to continue on with it. She notes Gold’s weakened state and guesses his heart is finally giving out. Gold warns that while the Dark One cannot die, Rumplestiltskin can. And he alludes to the idea that Rumple is the only one keeping the Dark One in check.
Regina says that, by definition, her Happy Ending will make her *happy,* so she couldn’t care less what happens to Rumple, though a shot of the Author’s face belies the truth behind this logic. Gold suggests working together, and then holds the magic quill up as though that’s a good idea. Regina just yoinks it from him,
grabs Isaac’s hand, and adioses.
Adioses is a verb, right?
Cora enters a tavern and the Sheriff of
Rottingham Nottingham is instantly drawn to her because he’s gross. Cora is looking for a man with a lion tattoo on his wrist, and the Sheriff scoffs, saying that, “Robin Hood is a sanctimonious blowhard who thinks he’s so great, myeh myeh myeh, and I’m totally not talking about myself…” Cora says her daughter has her heart set on him, and despite his new marriage, wives can be gotten rid of. This amuses the Sheriff and he does some kind of move, which I’m sure he thinks is manly, but looks like a wilting plant.
He offers to help Cora for a price, and because she’s evil, she thinks this is GREAT.
Regina interrogates Isaac in her crypt, and he informs her that Emma’s darkest potential has to charge the ink, otherwise it’s a no-go. *achem* Can we all just look at that phrase, and I quote, “darkest potential” for a moment? Where…or who…do you think that is?
Regina shows Isaac the crumpled page of her and Robin kissing, and Isaac says he did write this story, but it was experimental for another book he never wrote. He suggests “something” is looking out for Regina, and says he’d be happy to write anything for her if they only had the ink.
Cue Lily eating at Granny’s while Maleficent tries to contain herself over how beautiful her daughter is. All Lily cares about, though, is getting revenge on Snow White and Prince Charming. Mal doesn’t want to waste time on revenge and only wants to look forward but Lily calls her mother a pushover for letting Snow and Charming do what they’ve done and get away with it. As Lily tries to leave, Mal warns her that if she crosses the town line she won’t be able to get back in, nor can Mal herself cross it without turning back into dust. Lily straight up does not care and bolts.
Mal heads to Mary Margaret’s and David’s apartment for help getting Lily to stay because she’s never dealt with a temperamental adult daughter, and they instantly agree to assist.
David says Lily is acting a lot like Emma did when she first came to Storybrooke. Mary Margaret sees Lily is building up walls to avoid getting hurt.
Meanwhile, Regina engages Lily as Lily awaits a bus that is unlikely to come given Storybrooke’s logistical limitations.
In the Evil Queen’s castle, Cora arrives and surprises her formerly widowed husband. After rudely dismissing him, Cora announces to Regina that her dream man is on his way. She turns her daughters black dress into cloudy blue and white.
Cora introduces Regina to “the man with the lion tattoo,” but it is sadly revealed to be the gross Sheriff of
Rottingham Nottingham. Regina takes him to her favorite tree and tells him of her stable boy romance, at which the Sheriff scoffs. All kinds of other creepy words and deeds are said and done, but they can all be summed up here:
But Regina, who is too smart for this fool, does some magic up on that tattoo and finds it to be a fake.
The Sheriff rolls over on Mommy Dearest in .3 seconds, adding that Cora wanted Regina to have a child, but he doesn’t know why.
Back at the bus stop, Regina doesn’t get anywhere talking with Lily, so she simply takes the blood she needs to make the ink work, slicing Lily’s hand at the peak of her pissed off-ness to procure it.
Mal rides along with Mary Margaret and David as they search for Lily. Unfortunately they get this instead:
As the Evil Queen contemplates the potion in her hand, Regina shows Cora that she’s sent the Sheriff to the dungeons because of their deception. Cora insists that Regina’s soulmate is a married sap, but Regina knows that Cora was never really interested in her happiness.
Regina visits Zelena in her padded cell and introduces her to the Author, saying that Zelena’s been nothing more than a supporting player this whole time. As the Author looks on, the women verbally spar. Regina says she’s got the perfect ending for her “Sis.”
Among scattered, abandoned lobster traps (the most romantic of all crustacean traps), Emma sits with Killian who shares his rum and wisdom with her.
Emma thinks Killian is taking her aside to warn her about going after Gold, but he’s more worried about her relationship with her parents. Is she willing to lose them just to spite them? He suggests they may be ashamed and that they were just trying to protect her and make her proud.
Mary Margaret and David lead Maleficent through the woods towards where Dragon Lily has come to rest. Mal is overcome with how much Dragon Lily looks like her and tries to approach her. Mary Margaret, obviously driven by
suicidal fervor the desperate need to make things right, also tries to approach Dragon Lily and gets clocked with a tail upside the head.
Whoa, Dragon Lily hit Mary Margaret so hard she got all blurry. Mary Margaret injures her head on a rock, which Emma, who shows up instinctively(?), heals with magic. They make up with both women recognizing they were wrong but for the right reasons. Emma says her parents are heroes, that she misses them, and forgives them. Killian and David share a smile.
Actually… That looks like something else.
But that’s none of my business. *sips tea*
Mal, who has gone after her daughter, watched Lily change from angry dragon into her human form. Though shaken, Lily is still too cool for school. Mal gives Lily the baby rattle and admits it’s too late and she isn’t who Lily was hoping for. Lily says she expected a scary dragon bitch with whom she could go blasting all their enemies with, but instead she got a real person who is open and wants a relationship and a future.
Mal says she doesn’t mind the darkness Lily has inside of her, and Lily agrees to stay for a week.
This episode is awesome because it uses the word “bitch” twice, and I am 8-years-old.
Crazypants Zelena taunts Regina with the child she’s going to have with Robin, but Regina counters with the final death knell of the Author writing Zelena out of the story completely. Finally Zelena looks a little worried. The Author assures Zelena that he can do this, and Zelena accuses Regina of being just like their mother, willing to give up a baby like it was no big deal.
Cora tells Regina she’ll never be happy, but she does know power. She says Regina ought to build a dynasty up against Snow White to keep her throne. But Regina sees past this reasoning to Cora’s true intentions: Grandma wants to off her own daughter to play puppeteer behind a child-sized throne. Regina holds up her party cup and smiles.
In order to prevent Cora from ever using potential children against her, Regina is ready to perform a magical hysterectomy on herself. Cora calls her bluff so Regina downs her drink saying love is weakness. Pretty sure Regina was doing shots of tequila for bravery beforehand. Cora says the only one standing in the way of Regina’s happiness is her own self.
Back in the Zelena-Regina-Ave Maria stand off in the cell, the Author awaits further instruction as his ink dries. Regina has a change of heart, stating that their worst enemy is not each other, but really themselves, which seems to resonate with Zelena in some way. Robin arrives then and Regina says she won’t stand in the way of her own happiness anymore. Zelena implies that Regina is gauging her happiness relative to the love a man gives her, but Regina assures her that while Robin is *part* of her life, the real Happy Ending is finding out how she fits into the world and what her part is in it.
That’s when that punk Author decides that if he’s got nothing to do here he ought to go where he can get what he wants.
The Author and Gold reunite at the pawn shop. Despite his weakened state, Gold magics up a books titled “Heroes and Villains,” and tells the Author to write, saying it’s time villains finally win.
Do you think there’s any chance that Regina and Zelena will ever stop clawing at each other’s faces Dynasty-style for good?
Can you even tell when Cora is lying anymore?
What do you think Gold has in store for the Author’s new book?
All screen captures are property of ABC.
ABC. “Images, et.al.” May 3, 2015. Television. May 4, 2015.