C’mon, we all knew it had to come to this eventually. It’s been six weeks since the season 4 finale of Once Upon a Time, and that’s six weeks of wondering things like “Where’s Emma?” and “Is Rumple okay?” and “MERLIN???” Look, I’ve tried to keep my mind and yours busy. I’ve tried crafts and fanfic and cosplay and genealogy. I’ve even tried being a parent and working! *gasp shock horror* But none of that is working.
There’s really only one thing left to do, and that’s to begin drinking profusely until the season 5 premiere on September 27, which is practically October, ABC!
This is not an unfounded plan. For a place full of heroes, there’s plenty of alcohol in Storybrooke. It would seem that after one gets ripped out of the Enchanted Forest and lands in Maine, every man is given a flask and every woman is given a bottle of scotch. It would also appear that there’s a sketchy bar in town, but people still prefer to do shots at Granny’s. Whether breaking bad news or celebrating a good win, there is liquor aplenty in town. And let’s be honest, if you were realm-jumping like it was catching the bus to work, you’d probably need a belt once in a while too.
To be fair, liquor is treated with seriousness just as often as it is tempered with humor in OUaT. For every gin joke at Cruella’s expense, we have an example of the consequences of over imbibing, like Leroy landing in the drunk tank or Will Scarlet and Hook nursing hangovers.
The key is not to drink alone, I think. There’s strength in numbers, and if you surround yourself with good friends, drinking your sorrows away can be therapeutic and cathartic. We’ve all been there, right?
Things start out innocently enough. You and your friends get together for a well deserved night out.
There’s the friend that sticks with one drink all night because he’s the oldest and he wants to make it home alive and mixed drinks might kill him.
That other friend who’s like, “We came together, we leave together!!!”
And when she starts going on like that, all you can think is
I mean, you love her, but c’mon.
There’s the friend who’s trying really hard to avoid their ex but runs into them evvvverrrrywhere…
And when it happens it kinda throws a wet blanket over the whole night.
But it’s always fun to take the mickey out of that friend in the group who ALWAYS gets carded, even though they have a mortgage and two kids. What is that about?
And you’ve got to run interference between her and her next drink because
That wouldn’t be so bad, but sometimes you’ve got a friend who SAYS they’re chill, but picks a fight with anyone who brushes against them on a crowded dance floor, and you have to be on point guard all night.
Say you’re sorry. I got white Russian spilled on my silk blouse when I rescued you last time.
You can always tell when the night’s getting on. People start talking with their hands.
Or deciding around midnight they’re gonna skive off work Monday no matter WHAT.
Unavoidably some guy comes up and offers to buy you a drink.
Don’t ask, but DO make sure you watch the bartender make it.
Oh, and watch out for aggressive pick up lines.
Just when you think everything’s settled down, someone’s like, JELL-O SHOTS GUYS!!!!
Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Jell-O shots are no joke.
So instead you order some white wine or a Manhattan to try and class yourself up a bit.
BUT THEN your one friend walks in late to the party like
Usually she’s the friend who says
But it’s not daytime now.
Eventually you drink the rest of your friends under the table and you guys are the last ones still partying.
But then it starts to go downhill. She starts talking about the one that got away…
You gotta take her phone away before she starts calling people she shouldn’t.
And then you end up on opposite sides of the bathroom stall door trying to convince her she’s still “got it.”
And after a bout of awkward good-night-kiss talk
It’s like FINALLY
It’s all good to go out and have some fun, especially when you’re trying to drown your sorrows over the summer break. Just remember to ease up if the pineapples start hitting on you.
Are you handling the summer break any better than we are?
What’s been your favorite diversion so far?
Do you have any OUaT-themed drink suggestions?
ABC. “Images, et.al.” June 22, 2015. Television.
Individual image credits provided in the alt text.