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Clueless Motorist: Chrysler Hell

I’m really upset that I own a Chrysler vehicle, but probably not for the reason you’d expect.

In case you haven’t heard by now, Fiat Chrysler is recalling MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS of vehicles, including the Dodge Ram and pretty much every Jeep Grand Cherokee ever made. Seriously.

The main issue with these vehicles being that well, they just suck. Rams are losing control because of shitty suspension, Grand Cherokee’s are spontaneously combusting upon rear-end impact, cats and dogs are living together, Madonna is still making music… it’s a mess.

I’m sure that the executives over at Fiat are sobbing uncontrollably in their over-sized Jacuzzi bathtubs in their ridiculously ornate and gorgeous Italian mansions right now. They inherited one hell of a problem when they bought out Chrysler, and now they are now forced to pay up to $105M in penalties to the NHTSA (That’s the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration).

But what is a huge financial problem for Fiat is an even bigger problem for consumers, who unknowingly may be driving around ticking time bombs. If you do own a Chrysler-made vehicle then it definitely is essential that you check to see if your vehicle is on the recall list.

Obviously Fiat Chrysler will be fixing these vehicles at no charge, but there’s also another fantastic option available that will help you get rid of your Chrysler death trap once and for all: they will buy your car back from you at current market value, plus give you 10% more on top of that. This is only for select vehicles, but STILL, that is awesome!

Well, awesome for everyone except people like me who own a Chrysler vehicle not on the recall list.

I absolutely adore my 2004 Chrysler Sebring convertible, which my parents bought me some years ago for college (yeah yeah, I was spoiled). I have heated seats, leather, and the absolute luxury of my long, long hair getting endlessly tangled in the wind.

Me trying to brush my hair after cruising top down without a hair tie #struggle

But I also live in Massachusetts, and our weather severely limits its use. Plus, I have a Mustang as well (this one I bought all by myself, I thank you) and I really need something with some AWD power, as our winters are no joke.

So, even though I love Serena (I named her, get over it), shes gots to go.

But how the hell can I EVER hope to sell my car when Chrysler’s already tarnished reputation is heading down to previously uncharted depths of hell?

Soon trying to sell a Chrysler (and actually profiting) is going to be as impossible as selling Nickleback’s new album. It’s going to be that bad.

All I can do at this point is pray that some catastrophic mistake is finally noticed in Sebring convertibles of the same year as mine, leading Fiat Chrysler to buy it right from me.

This will be the best case scenario, as I’m a little too busy (and lazy) to put the car up on the market and deal with bogus Craigslist scammers, trolls, and morons. No, I’m not going to accept your ridiculously vast collection of bald, naked Barbie dolls as a trade in. Yeesh.

Sigh. Thanks Chrysler… your suckery will not be forgotten, I assure you.

Do you own a Chrysler vehicle? Let me know your thoughts on the recall in the comments!

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