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Clueless Motorist: Chrysler Hell

I’m really upset that I own a Chrysler vehicle, but probably not for the reason you’d expect.

In case you haven’t heard by now, Fiat Chrysler is recalling MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS of vehicles, including the Dodge Ram and pretty much every Jeep Grand Cherokee ever made. Seriously.

The main issue with these vehicles being that well, they just suck. Rams are losing control because of shitty suspension, Grand Cherokee’s are spontaneously combusting upon rear-end impact, cats and dogs are living together, Madonna is still making music… it’s a mess.

I’m sure that the executives over at Fiat are sobbing uncontrollably in their over-sized Jacuzzi bathtubs in their ridiculously ornate and gorgeous Italian mansions right now. They inherited one hell of a problem when they bought out Chrysler, and now they are now forced to pay up to $105M in penalties to the NHTSA (That’s the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration).

But what is a huge financial problem for Fiat is an even bigger problem for consumers, who unknowingly may be driving around ticking time bombs. If you do own a Chrysler-made vehicle then it definitely is essential that you check to see if your vehicle is on the recall list.

Obviously Fiat Chrysler will be fixing these vehicles at no charge, but there’s also another fantastic option available that will help you get rid of your Chrysler death trap once and for all: they will buy your car back from you at current market value, plus give you 10% more on top of that. This is only for select vehicles, but STILL, that is awesome!

Well, awesome for everyone except people like me who own a Chrysler vehicle not on the recall list.

I absolutely adore my 2004 Chrysler Sebring convertible, which my parents bought me some years ago for college (yeah yeah, I was spoiled). I have heated seats, leather, and the absolute luxury of my long, long hair getting endlessly tangled in the wind.

Me trying to brush my hair after cruising top down without a hair tie #struggle

But I also live in Massachusetts, and our weather severely limits its use. Plus, I have a Mustang as well (this one I bought all by myself, I thank you) and I really need something with some AWD power, as our winters are no joke.

So, even though I love Serena (I named her, get over it), shes gots to go.

But how the hell can I EVER hope to sell my car when Chrysler’s already tarnished reputation is heading down to previously uncharted depths of hell?

Soon trying to sell a Chrysler (and actually profiting) is going to be as impossible as selling Nickleback’s new album. It’s going to be that bad.

All I can do at this point is pray that some catastrophic mistake is finally noticed in Sebring convertibles of the same year as mine, leading Fiat Chrysler to buy it right from me.

This will be the best case scenario, as I’m a little too busy (and lazy) to put the car up on the market and deal with bogus Craigslist scammers, trolls, and morons. No, I’m not going to accept your ridiculously vast collection of bald, naked Barbie dolls as a trade in. Yeesh.

Sigh. Thanks Chrysler… your suckery will not be forgotten, I assure you.

Do you own a Chrysler vehicle? Let me know your thoughts on the recall in the comments!

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Top Five Twitter Blunders of 2011

Twitter is known for its real-time knee-jerk reaction responses to social events and what is going on in the world. It has become a powerful social media tool since its inception. However, many of us never think about the consequences of our tweets. Here are some big names that may wish they would have taken a step back and paused before hitting that “tweet this” button.

Godaddy elephant

1.Bob Parsons tweeting a picture of an elephant he shot dead.

Not a very good look for the Go Daddy CEO. Animal lovers all over followed suit after PETA closed their Go Daddy account down once the CEO made that disastrous tweet. For a company that is known for their flashy commercials with big busty girls and Danica Patrick to sell domain services, you would think they would know a thing or two about social marketing. Go Daddy is still feeling the internet backlash over their “I was for it before I was against it” stance on the SOPA Bill in the House of Representatives.

Gilbert Gottfried

2. Gilbert Gottfried and his break-up.

Sure, lots of people take to twitter to voice their heartbreak. You will usually find you get an outpouring of sympathy and support from a ton of people you may never meet. However, it was not the best idea to tie that in with a joke about a natural disaster that claimed the lives of thousands of people and had an entire country heartbroken. Especially when you are the voice of a well publicized duck who is the mascot for an insurance company with major ties to said country. Although, this lost him the Aflac gig, didn’t everyone think that Gilbert Gottfried was dead before this?

Ryan Dunn

3. Roger Ebert’s lesson about drunk driving.

No one likes an “I told you so,” or a “that’s what you get.” Even if all the person comes away with is a scratch, it’s still like sticking a knife in an open wound to hear those phrases from anyone when you have a stupid accident and get hurt. But this was more than just a stupid accident. It was a tragic end to a young life. At least wait a few days, maybe even weeks, or months before you start with the “that’s what you gets.”

Chrysler

4. Chrysler not having a good day on the commute.

Let’s just say that there is no one, in the entire world, who knows how to drive. Period. That way we can be completely honest and not blame any one set of drivers, from any one country or town for bumper to bumper traffic jams, and looky-loos causing more accidents than the ones they are looking at. Let’s also include the professional drivers in that number. The ones who text, tweet, and are just generally distracted by anything that moves in their peripheral vision. So no, the problem is not localized to Detroit, but there’s a good bet Chrysler narrowed the responsibility for that tweet.

Kenneth-Cole-uses-Cairo-revolts-for-insensitive-self-promotion_0

5. Kenneth Cole wants revolutionaries to dress their best.

Love Kenneth Cole as a designer. As a marketing expert, salesman, or promoter? Meh, maybe, not so much. Hashtags are a great easy way to add more visibility to your tweets on twitter. If you are tweeting something relevant to a trending topic, then more than likely that tweet will get seen by more than just your followers. But don’t fish for relevance, and append just any trending topic hashtag to a tweet, because you are likely to get ignored. Unless you are Kenneth Cole, who we still love as a designer!

Honorable Mention: Newt Gingrich buying followers.

Come on! That has to be the most desperate social act since buying a date for the prom. Which oddly enough it is comparable too. Better yet, buying twitter followers is kind of like buying votes. Seriously, every one knows that the quickest way to get new followers is to join in on the #FOLLOWFRIDAY #TEAMFOLLOWBACK, #BIELEBERS and #WELOVEMILEY hashtag rounds! (We only endorse the #FOLLOWFRIDAY #FF hashtags because we approve of their message.)

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